I went into my class tonight really eager and energized to get back on the mat. I've become aware of increased control over my lower core (thighs and hips) because of my new jogging regime. That strength gets reflected in my balancing poses because there is a firmer foundation to build on. I can hold something like Lord of the Dance (Natarajasana) pose (with a strap to pull my raise leg higher) for more than 30 seconds without wobbling, and I can transition in and out of the pose more smoothly.
This sense of enhanced power and skill is something new for me & and a bit bewildering. On one hand, I feel as if I'm falling into a trap of vanity and pride, that I am betraying the very mindset necessary for practicing yoga. On the other hand, this confidence and enthusiasm are what propel me to get back on my mat, make me aware that there are really changes taking place in my body and my mind. This contradiction is paralleled in my practice by the conundrum of strength and flexibility, rigidity and suppleness.
I don't have an answer for this dilemma right now. But I do get another chance to respond the next time I get on the mat.
During my yoga class tonight, we were going through a series of twists. I was again contemplating the lack of range that my body has, especially when dealing with my core. After three years plus of yoga (of which a good 18 months could be considered consistent and persistent), I am still very far from half lotus, from eagle arms, etc. I've worked at tackling specific issues, like my hips or my shoulders, but that does not seem to make a difference, except when measured against months of time.
While I was trying to relaxing into the poses, I thought about doing something drastic, like taking a day or week off and work on nothing but my hips, or using sandbags (weights, my wife's body) to push me past my limits, or hiring a personal trainer to whip me into form or a private yoga instructor to show me whatever I am missing to get through these obstacles.
In yoga, kundalini is the female energy that lies coiled at the base of the yogic body, a sacred power that rises out of the loins, coils around the spin and rises upwards towards the crown; the goal is to enable the free flow of kundalini, Well, my kundalini seems to be firmly knotted around my hips and wound tightly around my spin.
Then, I thought that perhaps it's not the physical side that is holding me back. There must be something non-physical inside me that is tightly bound and thoroughly even entangled. I like to pretend that yoga and meditation has made me mellow and grounded, but I am just deluding myself: hidden underneath the surface is a small boy who's afraid of moving or even fidgeting and freezes his muscles to the bone. When the musculature has been locked in position for nearly 50 years, it's excruciatingly difficult to ply it loose.
I went to a hip-opener workshop today at Thrive Yoga with Susan Bowen. The two and a half hour session is the third one that I've taken from her, a sign of her commitment to addressing this need and my own recognition that my hips are tight. I've been "working on my hips" for the past two years, and I can see only marginal improvements. I still cannot get into easy pose Sukasana without a support under my hips; otherwise, my knees are above my waist. Like most Westerners, I've spent all my life seated in a chair, as opposed to on the ground; I am a man so my anatomy is less flexible than a woman; finally, my professional bondage to a computer means that I spend too much time seated in front of a keyboard and monitor.
I think that my lack of progress is due to the fact that it's not just a hip problem. It's a kind of muscular knot that tangles together my whole core, legs, hips, abs, spine, and even my shoulders, ensnaring both strength and flexibility. Focusing exclusively on the hips is not going to fix it. It's not going to get better until the whole problem is corrected.
So until then, I just accept it as the state in which my body is, and get back on the mat. At least now I enjoy half pigeon (Eka Pada Rajakapotasana).
